the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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