I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
