I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
