i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
