great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
