watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
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You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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