I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
