Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
