I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
