So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
