mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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