you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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