I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
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She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
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I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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