yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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