I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
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I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
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I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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