kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
