So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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