And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
