my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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