Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
