Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
