I swear she didn't look like that last week.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
pop tarts are not kleenex
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
