dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
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