My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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