So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
You smell like stripper and shame
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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