I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
