Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
