He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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