Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
