Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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