i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
