so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
