He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
