Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
