One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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