Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
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