Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
