I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
