me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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