Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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