so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
