I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
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in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
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Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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