so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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