I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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