I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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