1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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