I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
