On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
