Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
