yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
