im about as happy as oj after his trial
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
