oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
