my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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