There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
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