I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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