i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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