All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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