I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I CAN MOONWALK!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
